LEARN ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (DV)

SHARE YOUR STORY

Below are several stories written by FVLC support group participants. If you would like to share your story for possible inclusion on this web site, please email it to us.

Domestic Abuse, My Experience

“Educate a man and you educate an individual, educate a woman and you educate a nation.”
In the moment that you realize your fantasy love life is indeed based on illusion, you begin to listen to the intuitive voice, which has been whispering in your ear, as it becomes the screaming voice of reason. At that point, one has a choice to either give up one’s life to ongoing pain and suffering, on a rollercoaster of living hell, or take back the power of one’s own existence. This time, I chose to live by the rules of those who are empowering, and therefore empowered. My intuitive voice told me choose my life, and not give another minute to a man who sucked the very heart from mine.

As little girls we were not taught to create long term plans for our lives. We did not have many positive female role models, except for the female housewives and teachers who were our caregivers, whom I love dearly still, who are the nurturers of our communities. Women were an extension of their husbands and their jobs. There was a definite line between women’s work and men’s. Economic power is historically male dominant, with children used as pawns in the marriage game.

We were not asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Women must now have a plan to create their own inner and outer selves, then find a partner who will be intuitively complimentary. It is when one individual uses the other as a substitute for their inadequacies that the imbalance begins, the inadequacies extrapolate throughout their lives. The balance is disconnected because of unjust intention or personal lack and insecurity.
When two individuals are ripe for a relationship, they intuitively know on impact whether a relationship has the embodiment of soul. And now I know that no amount of logic and reasoning will change that condition.

Women need to find a safe existence in this urban environment. For women who live with abusive men, the genesis of their new lives may be finally found in a room filled with other abused women. Together, through the validation felt by the sameness of their separate yet shared experience, the bonds of love, acceptance, self-validation, and sisterhood, can be finally felt, in opposition to the chaos of the sterile, cold, self serving, male dominated environment, which they are finally denying. They emerge from their abusive existence, broken spiritually and physically, to save their lives.

When we are able to walk in the woods by a placid lake, surrounded by the smells of nature while engrossed in thought, we can take a few moments alone with our spirit, creating our own self strengthening rituals daily. Healing rituals. Yet my healing cannot but help make me angry again, for I must take another year, to heal from yet another abusive man’s contact. Instead, I should be creating, working, raising a family, not constantly struggling to find a safe physical place, and a partner whom I can trust with my emotional, psychological, and financial life. And recovering again.
I cannot yet bring myself to forgive what I had done to myself, but I have released some of my self guilt for letting an abusive man come into my life once again. By sending a flotilla of wildflowers into the bay, I said goodbye to my daughter who will not see this world because of my fear. It’s the memory of fear, flashes of homeless children and women, the aftermath of abused women left in the path of abuse, who unfortunately will spend too much of their lives recovering. It’s the fear of the never ending abuse perpetrated upon us by the Berkeley court system, in which justice is doled out by sending the abuser on his merry way to his next victim. I wish someone had stopped him before he met me. Yet this is another continuing, dark memory.

back to top ^

American Dream

One, two, three princes knelt before me
A husband for each decade
An abuser, a mental case, and the one who
Posed as the good Catholic boy.
An American dream
A white picket fence and family.
Masquerading lust for love
Suffocates the dulling illusion.
An American nightmare,
As the ashes wander aimlessly in the night air,
Seeking nourishment from its host.
Finding nothing but an illusion and
The reality of American consequence.

back to top ^

Resurrection of the Heart

How does the loneliness pass?
“Take one day at a time,” your reply.
The words glided out of your lips so effortlessly.
Paralyzing fear and numbness, first the feet then
My head and finally my finger tips.
An internal erruption ensues.
Molten lava shears my body.
Nothing will ever be the same.
I feel every change you make
As you re-map my natural landscape.
Incapable of feeling the pain you inflict,
Making your way into every crevice of my body.
Sealing it with your hard mass of destruction, suffocating me.
But , YOU FORGET I am the EARTH.
YOU FORGET, my resilient NATURE.
YOU FORGET, the wound cools.
I make my way through the hard mass
That you thought could imprison me.
You awe at my resilience, as I wake
From the slumber that you tried to invoke.
You leave nothing but a scar, which heals.
And I rise from the ash.

back to top ^

To all women who have been beaten…

To all women who have been beaten by their husband, boyfriend, friend, someone else. Some men can be so kind and loving and then changed into a savage beast. Some men cause women to feel stressed, tense, depressed, shame, fear, and guilt. Some men put women through mental and physical abuse; you may even be having flashbacks from previous abuse. If this is happening to you then please get help

I am a battered woman and I have been beaten for thirty plus years. The reason why I stayed in my marriage so long is because I have two children and I wanted them to finish school and go to college. My second excuse was that I didn’t have any money. My husband took all my money and the car so I couldn’t go anywhere. The last time he beat me; he tried to kill me. He said that he was going to kill me. My spouse beat me so bad that I woke up in the hospital. My whole body swelled up while I was in the hospital. My feet felt like I was walking on golf balls. My feet were round under the bottom. I still have health problems, but with the Lord’s help I will heal.

When I went to court, I found out that my husband had threatened my children from grade school through college, and even after college. He told our two children that if they do not do what he says or if they tell me what he is doing he would put me in the hospital or kill me. Then my husband told them that they would be responsible for it. I will never go back to him again. NEVER AGAIN!!! I am getting my divorce. Thank God.

back to top ^

When the Husband Abused Me I Found This

When I was thrown around my house, had the phone ripped out of the wall,
and was called every name in the book among other things……after that happened
I went for help and this is what I found to be Truth.

That the best friend turned me away from her because her husband said,
"Let’s all go over together and talk it out" just after it happened.
That the family said, "That is what happens when you marry outside the church."
That men doctors I encountered didn’t believe me and made jokes.
That women doctors did believe and tried to get me to press charges.
That the HMO psychiatric hospital told me since I was involved in OA
that I was able to access support and my PTSD was not so severe: "Here’s
a paper with shelter numbers."
That a psychiatrist I had seen for 15 minutes while my husband waited
outside decided to place a diagnosis of R/O schizoid personality
disorder because I was too afraid to speak.
That minister who was to hold him "accountable" was never answering his phone.
That after I went into therapy for awhile with my husband and then
changed my mind and wanted to leave him the woman therapist told me,
"You have reached a middle ground… You can’t leave now."
That the people who I thought would be there for me were the most abandoning.
That I lost my home and the husband told everyone I was crazy behind my back.
Guess who they believed?

That just as I had given up all hope and thought I would hit rock bottom,

I found I hit rock Strength within Myself, my most Sacred Self.
I found the support in the most unlikely of places and mostly from the
Love of Strangers. From a Family I never even knew I had and now embrace
with Love.
Especially from books and history about matriarchy and healing and Goddess.
Then something ancient and profound shifted within me by my tears.

I take back my Power Now from those people, places, and things that I
gave it away to.
I trust in the Divine Universe that if I ask there will be an Answer.
Especially that just by being born I am worthy of being treated right.
I am a Voice telling Her Stories in Living Color for all that will listen.
I am Shaman and I am Warrior.
That I break the patriarchal conditioning, the self-imposed and
acculturated prison camp of codependency, and other outdated
energy-sucking structures within and without me.
Until there is nothing left except authentic and open Heart, Growing
each day in Spirit.

That I am this Process and I am gentle with myself and take my time.

For I realize as Truth this: How can a society that doesn’t even know
what to say or how to help someone who’s abused judge me because I am
their most valued asset…
I am part of the solution.

And So It Is In Love and Light… Lotusfire Free since 5-6-00

back to top ^

FVLC Programs I How Can I get Help? I Ayuda en Español I Support FVLC I Job Openings I Contact Us I Site Map I Home

© 2003 Family Violence Law Center I email webmaster